If you go to Heaven without being naturally qualified for it you will not enjoy yourself there.

It is not true that men can be divided into absolutely honest persons and absolutely dishonest ones. Our honesty varies with the strain put on it.

Not everybody is strong enough to endure life without an anesthetic. Drink probably averts more gross crime than it causes.

I make a fortune from criticizing the policy of the government, and then hand it over to the government in taxes to keep it going.

When I see that the nineteenth century has crowned the idolatry of Art with the deification of Love, so that every poet is supposed to have pierced to the holy of holies when he has announced that Love is the Supreme, or the Enough, or the All, I feel that Art was safer in the hands of the most fanatical of Cromwell's major generals than it will be if ever it gets into mine.

I don't. I look my age; and I am my age. It is the other people who look older than they are. What can you expect from people who eat corpses and drink spirits?

Science can never solve one problem without raising ten more problems.