When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.

All autobiographies are lies. I do not mean unconscious, unintentional lies: I mean deliberate lies.

To the person with a toothache, even if the world is tottering, there is nothing more important than a visit to a dentist.

I can think of no other edifice constructed by man as altruistic as a lighthouse. They were built only to serve.

Every drunken skipper trusts to Providence. But one of the ways of Providence with drunken skippers is to run them on the rocks.

I do not want to make my stomach a graveyard of dead animals.

Pothinus: "Is it possible that Caesar, the conqueror of the world, has time to occupy himself with such a trifle as our taxes?" Caesar: "My friend, taxes are the chief business of a conqueror of the world.