It has taken me nearly twenty years of studied self-restraint, aided by the natural decay of my faculties, to make myself dull enough to be accepted as a serious person by the British public; and I am not sure that I am not still regarded as a suspicious character in some quarters.

The philosopher is Nature's pilot.

Why not give Christianity a trial?

It is impossible for an Englishman to open his mouth without making some other Englishman hate or despise him.

Statistics show that of those who contract the habit of eating, very few survive.

In your Salvation shelter I saw poverty, misery, cold and hunger. You gave them bread and treacle and dreams of heaven. I give from thirty shillings a week to twelve thousand a year. They find their own dreams; but I look after the drainage.

No Englishman is ever fairly beaten