My situation is a solemn one: life is offered to me on the condition of eating beefsteaks. But death is better than cannibalism. My will contains directions for my funeral, which will be followed, not by mourning coaches, but by oxen, sheep, flocks of poultry, and a small traveling aquarium of live fish, all wearing white scarves in honor of the man who perished rather than eat his fellow creatures. It will be, without the exception of Noah's Ark, the most remarkable thing of its kind ever seen.

In an ugly and unhappy world the richest man can purchase nothing but ugliness and unhappiness.

A revolutionist is one who desires to discard the existing social order and try another.

No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office.

If you demand my authorities for this and that, I must reply that only those who have never hunted up the authorities as I have believe that there is any authority who is not contradicted flatly by some other authority.

I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one.

You see things and you say, 'Why?'. But I dream things and I say, 'Why not?'.