The worst feeling: when you just have to wait and prepare yourself for the lie.

Problems always start long before you really, really see them.

I feel myself trying to be charming, and then I realize I’m obviously trying to be charming, and then I try to be even more charming to make up for the fake charm, and then I’ve basically turned into Liza Minnelli: I’m dancing in tights and sequins, begging you to love me. There’s a bowler and jazz hands and lots of teeth.

I've always been partial to the image of liquor as lubrication, a layer of protection from all the sharp thoughts in your head.

You drink a little too much and try a little too hard. And you go home to a cold bed and think, that was fine. And your life is a long line of fine.

Republicans go to Sam’s Club, Democrats go to Costco.

Ironic people always dissolve when confronted with earnestness, it's their kryptonite