[If Republicans] got to put their kids into public school. They got to take public health. They would become libertarian faster than you could say Ayn Rand.

So the villains aren't gay-hating Islamists or women killing tyrants, but actually us: an American Congress bent on the apocalypse. Don't we understand? Iranians love their children too.

When one becomes a liberal, he or she pretends to advocate tolerance, equality and peace, but hilariously, they’re doing so for purely selfish reasons. It’s the human equivalent of a puppy dog’s face: an evolutionary tool designed to enhance survival, reproductive value and status. In short, liberalism is based on one central desire: to look cool in front of others in order to get love. Preaching tolerance makes you look cooler, than saying something like, 'please lower my taxes.'

The problem with Republicans and Conservatives is we attack each other.

Al Gore completely lied about climate change in an effort to make a lot of money.

The longer I live, the more I'm convinced the world is just one big high school, with the cool kids always targeting the uncool.

You should just go, go to work, work hard, be a perfectionist, be a workhorse. If you work 10 years straight, you'll be comfortable and set for life. That is a fact.