A funny thing about tolerant people? They're really only tolerant when you agree with them.

The best thing about Ikea - I'm going to do a quiz here - the names. Do you know what a Floria Fin (ph) is? It's a candle. A Pogestra (ph) - table. A Bar Grick (ph) is a plate, an Eterleeg (ph) is a wine glass and a Scuggle (ph) is the name of my third nipple.

Chris Matthews is so nuts that if he ate a snickers bar it would be cannibalism.

In the hands of fiends, guns will kill you. In your hands, they protect against such fiends.

ObamaCare is creating nothing but misery for everybody.

Eric Holder sees everything through the prism of race. He keeps that mustache because shaving cream is white.

A CNN poll shows both Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton beating Donald Trump in the general. Are republicans about to elect a loser? Who knows? But at least we can say it sells great. Then in 2032, we can nominate Justin Bieber and start all over again.