Let's be clear about what people never say about Playboy on television. It was nothing more than an instrument for onanism. That's what it was. And the Internet co-opted that industry of self- gratification. There is no necessity for lonely men or teenagers to use Playboy. It turns out no one bought that magazine for the articles ever; it was used for only one thing.

Republicans do actually care about health care. They just don't care about government-run health care.

If Russia had the same military power that America did, earth would be called Russia.

Private citizens and companies are always seen as evil and greedy, because they want to profit. But the government picks your pocket any chance it can get, but they're never called greedy.

I don't like the way my hair looks, so we're going to do the whole show over.

When the government sees a poor area, its solution is to move the poor out.

The longer I live, the more I'm convinced the world is just one big high school, with the cool kids always targeting the uncool.