[Obamacare] has to be enforced because nobody wants it. This is the nature of progressive government they don't care if it's not good for you. It's good for them.

Commencement addresses are usually garbage. They're for colleges seeking publicity.

There is an apocalyptic view to this that is actually kind of appealing, which is the only way to kill big government is to let it kill itself. It's suicide by gluttony. Right now, the government is approaching Fat Elvis during those years in the '70s right before he croaked on the toilet seat. Basically ObamaCare is a huge tray of bacon and banana sandwiches. And it could happen in our lifetimes.

Steer clear of pot. It's an ambition zapper. Wait till you've made it. When you're 45 buy a bong. But for now, buy a suit.

I never quit. I just got fired.

The first mistake is trying to explain morality to a terrorist. Like trying to teach a rock to drive. It is impossible.

I've always wondered, how did Hitler get away with so much for so long?