Paternity, paternity. Let's think about this. This discriminates against the childless. So you get a year off because you produce a brat. If anything if you have a child you should work more because your brat's going to annoy me at the restaurants.

You should try to get fired once in a while. It's good for you.

If you're hiring, if you're the person doing the hiring, forgive a scar or two. Remember that when we were young, we were also idiots. There were just no cameras there to catch it.

Eric Holder sees everything through the prism of race. He keeps that mustache because shaving cream is white.

I guess if your heart's in the right place, the trash can go anywhere.

When you are so obsessed with identity politics it's not healthy because you're constantly worried about how you're perceived as opposed to your achievements. Once your identity becomes your achievement then you run into serious problems.

I'm so tired of the same old cliche costumes. When people dress up as animals, they always go as, like, lions and tigers and dogs. You know, why don't you try something different? Dress up like a lemur.