I am a strict monogamist: it is twenty years since I last went to bed with two women at once, and then I was in my cups and not myself.

Who will argue that 98.6 Farenheit is the right temperature for man? As for me, I decline to do it. It may be that we are all actually freezing hence the pervading stupidity of mankind. At 110 or 115 degrees even archbishops might be intelligent.

No romantic novel ever written in America, by man or woman, is one half so beautiful as My Ántonia.

Hamlet has been played by 5,000 actors, no wonder he is crazy.

The final test of truth is ridicule. Very few dogmas have ever faced it and survived.

Happiness, like health, is probably also only a passing accident. For a moment or two the organism is irritated so little that it is not conscious of it; for the duration of that moment it is happy. Thus a hog is always happier than a man, and a bacillus is happier than a hog

The federal [bank deposit] insurance scheme has worked up to now simply and solely because there have been very few bank failures. The next time we have a pestilence of them it will come to grief quickly enough, and if the good banks escape ruin with the bad ones it will be only because the taxpayer foots the bill.