I am, in fact, the complete anti-Messiah, and detest converts almost as much as I detest missionaries. My writings, such as they are, have had only one purpose: to attain for H. L. Mencken that feeling of tension relieved and function achieved which a cow enjoys on giving milk.

God is a Republican, and Santa Claus is a Democrat.

When a husband's story is believed, he begins to suspect his wife.

The best client is a scared millionaire.

The public, with its mob yearning to be instructed, edified and pulled by the nose, demands certainties; it must be told definitely and a bit raucously that this is true and that is false. But there are no certainties.

There are no dull subjects. There are only dull writers.

Men always try to make virtues of their weaknesses. Fear of death and fear of life both become piety.