Consider him in his highest incarnation: the university professor. What is his function? Simply to pass on to fresh generations of numskulls a body of so-called knowledge that is fragmentary, unimportant, and, in large part, untrue. His whole professional activity is circumscribed by the prejudices, vanities and avarices of his university trustees, i.e., a committee of soap-boilers, nail manufacturers, bank-directors and politicians. The moment he offends these vermin he is undone. He cannot so much as think aloud without running a risk of having them fan his pantaloons.

The longest sentence you can form with two words is: I do.

The instant I reach Heaven, I'm going to speak to God very sharply.

The most dangerous man to any government is the man who is able to think things out for himself.

What the meaning of human life may be I don't know: I incline to suspect that it has none.

Everyman is thoroughly happy twice in his life, just after he has met his first love, and just after he has left his last one.

I am a strict monogamist: it is twenty years since I last went to bed with two women at once, and then I was in my cups and not myself.