So the president is like, "Well, once upon a time it was Congress's job to decide whether or not we attacked countries, so let's let them decide." Which is funny, because, as we all know, if Congress were on fire, Congress could not pass the "Pour Water on Congress Act".

I'm also pretty impressive when I'm shoving the neck of a lute into someone's chest cavity.

But the truth of the matter is, to live a good life, as a good person, it doesn't matter how you got there. It just matters that you do.

It seems no matter what I read I think 'this is not Harry Potter.'

Marriage can be a religious thing. It can also be a secular thing. And guess what? Not everyone in the world is of the same religion. Preventing gay people from getting married is not an expression of religious freedom. It's an expression of religious oppression.

I deal with stress in two ways because there are two kinds of stress. There's stress that you can take care of and there's stress that you can't. The first one, I take care of it as fast as possible, because putting it off always makes it worse. Things that I can't fix? I think about the fact that I can't fix them. I think about why I can't fix them and I come to terms with the fact that this is a problem that I'm not going to overcome and that the world is not a wish granting factory.

You may be wondering why there are words on my hands. That's because I'm a dork. And I'm gonna choose not to explain myself.