There's a lot of dudes in my neighborhood that have handlebar mustaches. Which is cool if you want to have a handlebar mustache but don't try to have a conversation with me like you don't have a handlebar mustache.

When people go through something rough in life, they say, "I'm taking it one day at a time." Yes, so is everybody. Because that's how time works.

When somebody mangles one of my jokes, that bothers me more than somebody saying that I'm the worst comedian ever.

If you want to do anything, you got to go do it. Perform a lot, write a lot, make yourself better. Use the Internet, make videos, create content.

I like smoking at home. I like it to be one of the last things I do that day. I don't wake and bake at all; I couldn't do that. If I'm waking and baking, then I'm staying inside my place the rest of the day. I can't start my day off high.

When I'm doing shows I don't need much from a city. All I'm looking for is a good meal and a decent spot to have a couple drinks.

I don't even know how to use a semicolon to this day; I use a comma every time. And you know what? If I email somebody and they get upset about me using a comma instead of a semicolon, that's not a person I want to work with anyway. And that's how you weed people out of your life.