I am inclined to think that one's education has been in vain if one fails to learn that most schoolmasters are idiots.

The English public doesn't really like Shakespeare; it prefers football.

Never neglect an opportunity to play leap-frog; it is the best of all games, and, unlike the terribly serious and conscientious pastimes of modern youth, will never become professionalized.

Misquotation is, in fact, the pride and privilege of the learned. A widely- read man never quotes accurately, for the rather obvious reason that he has read too widely.

Do you believe in God? Perhaps you aren't old enough. The reason old people believe in God is because they've given up believing in anything else, and one can't exist without faith in something.... God is a sort of burglar. As a young man you knock him down; as an old man, you try to conciliate him because he may knock you down. Moral: don't grow old.

Misquotations are the only quotations that are never misquoted.

Misquotation is the pride and privilege of the learned.