I live in New York right now but I'm originally from my daddy's nuts. We all are. Think about, we the lucky ones - we made it. You all are winners. That's the first race you ever won.

You turn hotdogs with tongs. Don't you ever use those tongs on a hamburger.

Damn! This flight attendant treating us like we won these first class tickets in a contest.

I love to pitch things that I believe in and products that I love to use.

I believe, even when I'm doing my standup or my acting or whatever I'm doing, I believe in painting pictures.

Sometimes, when you get a girl pregnant, you blame the condom. His condom broke that night.

I've done everything. Selling door-to-door fire extinguishers... In bars, I used to repair those machines that have 10 different buttons on them to spray club soda and seltzer.