Dear Mr Skully, I have caught my neck in a mangle and will be indisposed for eternity. Yours in death S.D.

See all the women seated, youth in their face lifts, old age in their hands.

You know, there must be happiness somewhere, when a lawyer dies.

Food Throwers: Begun usually by estranged couples, once this victual flinging starts, everyone will do it...Should your dinner party have become an out of control concussion match with opponents catapulting croutons and petits pois across the mahogany, don't fight it, go with it. And when you have the desire to quell the uprising approach the original perpetrator from behind. There, slowly crown her with the contents of the fresh fruit salad bowl. But be warned. Although this immobilizes and rivits everyone's attention it also gives them new ideas.

Revenge is what I want. Nothing but pure unadulterated revenge. But my mother brought me up to be a lady.

Electronic books are a bad thing because they cannot be accumulated on shelves to remind you of your past, to impress your neighbors and colleagues, and to help prevent divorces thanks to the sheer bother of arguing over who owns what.

When I die, I want to decompose in a barrel of porter and have it served in all the pubs in Dublin. I wonder would they know it was me?