I only got into comedy to get laid

I think people respect honesty rather than hiding it.

This sausage roll only contains 2% of your daily intake of calories... if you lick it.

I only got into comedy to get laid

I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.

Oh, you wanna do a little bit of roleplay? Could you just play dead?

I love Downton Abbey. It's just great. My mother giving birth to me was just like Lady Sybil giving birth, except that there wasn't such a tragic ending.