I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.

I've never laughed a woman into bed, but I've laughed one out of bed many times.

I vote for whoever will annoy my dad.

This sausage roll only contains 2% of your daily intake of calories... if you lick it.

Oh, you wanna do a little bit of roleplay? Could you just play dead?

I want to write a film. I need to think of the right idea and focus on that; I love writing.

I only got into comedy to get laid