Marriage is like a series of opposing reflections, inverse images getting ever smaller like nesting dolls, each one of your trying to squeeze yourself smaller to fit inside the hopes of the other, until one of you cracks or stops existing.

A century ago, people laughed at the notion that we were descended from monkeys. Today, the individuals most offended by that claim are the monkeys.

Know your load. That's rule numero uno in this business, which is why I make them count the penguins out in front of me one at a time. I'm not going to be the schmuck who shows up in Orlando twobirds short of a dinner party....I know I'm pulling out of Houston with exactly forty-two Gentoo penguins, seventeen Jamaican land iguanas, four tuataras from New Zealand, and a pair of rare, civet-like mammals called linsangs. No more, no less.

Always warm up the audience with a joke....If you are not a particularly funny person, make sure that you inform them that it's a joke.

A free society, to be truly worthy of that name, owes healthy, competent individuals the right to end their lives on their own terms.

Nothing sells tombstones like a Girl Scout in uniform.

The only thing more difficult than persuading someone else to start having sex with you is persuading yourself to stop.