A professional is a man who can do his job when he doesn't feel like it. An amateur is a man who can't do his job when he does feel like it.

New Year's resolution: To refrain from saying witty, unkind things, unless they are really witty and irreparably damaging.

The worst of failure of this kind is that it spoils the market for more competent performers.

Theatre director: a person engaged by the management to conceal the fact that the players cannot act.

I... wonder what it is in the New York air that enables me to sit up till all hours of the night in an atmosphere which in London would make a horse dizzy, but here merely clears the brain.

My mind is not a bed to be made and remade.

The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest about it.