Celebrity - I don't even know what that means. Obviously it's the same basic word as celebration, but I don't know what's being celebrated.

My second ex-wife was really kind of like a ship passing in the night. Only she turned out to be the Exxon Valdez.

Do you think I want to be the one lone voice against the Hollywood liberal establishment? It's not going to do me any good.

I'm a pretty quiet guy, but if people want to think of me as a lady killer, I guess that's good.

...simple logic tells you that if somebody wants you dead you have one course of action: To get them deader sooner.

The only reason people lock their car doors when Obama walks by is they are afraid he'll tax them to death...

I'm famous for being nicer to my fans than anyone on the face of the earth because I figure, a) They pay my salary, and b) It's probably like a big moment in your life to meet somebody; so I would say, 'Just come on up.'