Celebrity - I don't even know what that means. Obviously it's the same basic word as celebration, but I don't know what's being celebrated.

When I was in high school, we were all laboring under the illusion, or maybe it was a reality, that everyone in our school was a virgin.

...if [the 9/11/01 attacks] had happened to the Russians, about three major cities in the Middle East would have been parking lots in twenty minute and they wouldn't have worried about the consequences because there would not have been any because the remaining terrorist states would have said 'we get the message.'

...simple logic tells you that if somebody wants you dead you have one course of action: To get them deader sooner.

I'm famous for being nicer to my fans than anyone on the face of the earth because I figure, a) They pay my salary, and b) It's probably like a big moment in your life to meet somebody; so I would say, 'Just come on up.'

Whatever it took to get elected president of the United States, I don't think being a complete and utter moron is one of those predicates.

My second ex-wife was really kind of like a ship passing in the night. Only she turned out to be the Exxon Valdez.