I'm famous for being nicer to my fans than anyone on the face of the earth because I figure, a) They pay my salary, and b) It's probably like a big moment in your life to meet somebody; so I would say, 'Just come on up.'

When I was in high school, we were all laboring under the illusion, or maybe it was a reality, that everyone in our school was a virgin.

Aficionado my ass...I just love to smoke cigars

I'm a pretty quiet guy, but if people want to think of me as a lady killer, I guess that's good.

The only reason people lock their car doors when Obama walks by is they are afraid he'll tax them to death...

...simple logic tells you that if somebody wants you dead you have one course of action: To get them deader sooner.

Give Bush 10 minutes before you hammer him. I think he's going to surprise people. He sounds simple and uncomplicated, but maybe that's what we need now. He's not as stupid as everyone thinks. I like the guy.