I don't understand why, in entertainment, the hours are as long as they are. It seems like everything takes forever, and no one can tell you why exactly.

Blood may be thicker than water, but it is still sticky, unpleasant and generally nauseating.

My hell is going to be the stairmaster wing of Dante's inferno, where they're gonna tape my feet to the pedals and the only music I get is Michael Bolton karaoke style.

Silence does not equal patriotism. Obedience is not the American way.

I'm not a big fan of the comics competing against each other.

There's no reason to be doing comedy during the day in a hot tent. I don't know why anyone thinks it's a good idea, but festival after festival keeps doing it. I did see some of the other comedians struggling.

I would say just in general, in life, I'm more willing to be animated as a person, and so obviously onstage as well.