Last night, I went to a birthday party, and this girl brought a cake and a cheesecake. And the other girls that lived in the apartment, I swear to God, all night long: 'You're taking that cake with you when you go. That cake's not staying in this house.' Like it's this evil, Hope Diamond, nuclear, horrifying cursed thing.

You can tell a lot about a person by how excited they are to do the Macarena.

How is it that this debate has been twisted on its head, that somehow those that advocate peace and diplomacy are anti-American?

You can't have cinema by committee if you're trying to do it well.

Not that I was ever an asshole but I used to be much more of a bulldozer.

All roads lead to my dogs, don't they?

I don't really have funny things to say about politics. I wish I did, but I don't.