I buy wine according to the bottle design. After I get down the first glass it all tastes okay to me so I figure you go for something classy to look at on the table

We don't appreciate the value of humor sometimes.

I guessed my mother figured if my father got right down to the task of eating he wouldn’t be so inclined to jump up and strangle my grandmother.

Men drive off bridges and drink too much because of women like you.

Arson is a respected profession among certain subcultures in Jersey, and the good ones don't get caught. The good ones channel lightning and mysterious acts of spontaneous combustion.

My eyes rolled so far back in my head that I could see myself think

Turns out, that's how it is with weddings. You just keep getting in deeper and deeper until you want to throw up.