They put up this bloke's picture on Crimewatch UK with a phone number and said 'Have you seen this man?' Well my auntie rang them up and said 'No'.

I have to confess here that I am a useless cook.

There is no way in my right mind I would contemplate running 26 miles-plus unless it involved a chase with Pamela Anderson.

They put up this bloke's picture on Crimewatch UK with a phone number and said 'Have you seen this man?' Well my auntie rang them up and said 'No'.

Ringo isn't the best drummer in the world. He isn't even the best drummer in the Beatles

I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

Laughter is the best medicine - unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.