Soup is just a way of screwing you out of a meal.

It was reported in the paper that President Bush received a 'warm reception' from the Daytona 500 drivers. Well sure, the drivers had never met anyone who was sponsored by more oil companies than they were.

As you know, there were lots of huge marches around the country yesterday to protest the immigration laws. The marches had quite an impact on businesses. Restaurants had to close, construction sites had to shut down, the Yankees had to forfeit a game. ... Do you realize that Americans are now doing the jobs that immigrants won't do because they're out protesting?

President Obama flew to a rally in Las Vegas last night. However, he did not visit any of the casinos. You know why? When you're $16 trillion in debt, they don't let you in.

President Bush says he has just one question for the American voters, 'Is the rich person you're working for better off now than they were four years ago?'

People want to say there isn't racial profiling at the airport, but let's be honest. If you first name is Mohammed, and your last name isn't Ali, leave a little extra time.

The Flinstones wore furs, they ate red meat, and had a stoneage philosophy. In fact, they were the first Republicans.