Major heat wave in India - 122 degrees today. It was so hot people in India were sweating like Americans waiting to hear if their job is being outsourced to India.

I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for "Running off to Canada."

New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.

You're not famous until my mother has heard of you.

When you do late-night TV, you do different jokes in the same place every night. When you're on the road as a comedian, you do the same jokes in a different place every night.

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

Show business is like Champagne. You'll appreciate it more if you don't drink it everyday