Speaker John Boehner complained that Barack Obama ordered the U.S. military into combat in Libya without clearly defining the mission to the American people and Congress. See, apparently, you're only allowed to do that when invading Iraq.

Hillary Clinton said she hopes America is ready for a woman in the Oval Office. That was the great thing about her husband Bill: he was always ready for a woman in the Oval Office.

The lead story on MSNBC was the news that there was nothing new to report in the Gary Condit story. So remember when there is nothing new to report, MSNBC will be the station not to report it first.

Today, one year after their divorce, Pamela and Tommy Lee announced they're getting back together. You know what that means? There's still hope for Ike and Tina Turner.

Attorney General John Ashcroft has been hospitalized. I believe he is suffering from homophobia. No, actually, it was just gallstones, but when they gave him the hospital gown that opens in the back, he refused to wear it, he thought it was a gay wedding dress.

The Sacramento Bee is reporting that Arnold Schwarzenegger is not going to run for governor. You know what would be better? Arnold should do what he does in the Terminator movies. He should go back in time and prevent Gray Davis from ever being born. That way you wouldn't have the problem.

In business news, chocolate maker nestle is buying Jenny Craig. Well, that says it all you need to know about the war on obesity, doesn't it? It's over! Apparently we surrendered!