President Obama has begun a three-state bus tour. I believe the three states are: Confusion, Delusion, and Desperation.

You know what they say when a supermodel gets pregnant? Now she's eating for one.

President Bush said the other day the war is not about timetables. It's about winning. Hey, it worked in Florida.

All I ask is that you tip your waiters and waitresses. We have to turn this situation around.

According to a recent study, ten percent of 'Star Trek' fans meet the psychological criteria for addiction. Deprived of their favourite show, some Trekkies disply withdrawal symptoms similar to drug addicts. Of course, the real difference is that drug addicts aren't nearly as annoying.

President Obama told the Irish people that America will always stand by them, to which Israel laughed.

A second Homeland Security official has been arrested, a 49-year-old guy named Frank Figueroa, he was caught exposing and fondling himself to a teenage girl in a shopping mall in Florida. Do you realize? If Osama bin Laden was a 14-year old girl, we would have had him by now. ... Who is going to start protecting us from the Department of Homeland Security? ... It kind of makes you long for the good old wholesome days of the Clinton administration.