The difference between Men and Women is that Men love The 3 Stooges, and Women think they're assholes.

Soup is just a way of screwing you out of a meal.

Regulations force people to do better.

Yesterday, President-elect Barack Obama announced his new economic team. You know what he should do? Hire those people who were in charge of his fundraising campaign. We can pay this thing off in like a week.

I tried to log on to the Obamacare website today. I don't think I'm doing it right. I lost 300 bucks playing Texas Hold 'Em.

The Obama administration asked General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner to step down, and he agreed. This is good news for Obama; the last time he tried to get someone to quit, it took months -- and even then, he had to promise her a job as secretary of state. ... According to the government, Rick Wagoner was forced to resign because of poor performance. That's embarrassing -- run an organization that loses billions of dollars and then get fired by a guy who heads up an organization that loses trillions of dollars.

Italian authorities seized $6 trillion worth of fake, worthless U.S. Treasury bonds. Pretty good counterfeit job, too. They look just like the genuine, worthless Treasury bonds.