I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give up the idea. I'm only six feet tall, so I couldn't play basketball. I'm only 190 pounds, so I couldn't play football, and I have 20/20 vision, so I couldn't be a referee.

At the airport if you refuse to be patted down, they arrest you. And what's the first thing they do when they arrest you? They pat you down.

The price of oil is rising because of all the unrest in the Middle East. And the unrest in Wisconsin is causing the price of cheese to go through the roof.

The White House has now released military documents that they say prove George Bush met his requirements for the National Guard. Big deal, we've got documents that prove Al Gore won the election.

President Bush said this Iraq situation looks like 'the rerun of a bad movie.' Well sure, there's a Bush in the White House, the economy's going to hell, we're going to war over oil. I've seen this movie, haven't I?

Disneyland celebrated its 40th anniversary by burying a time capsule. They say it will be dug up in 50 years - or when the last person in line at Space Mountain gets to the front, whichever comes first.

Yesterday morning Facebook was temporarily offline, leaving millions of workers unable to do anything except their jobs.