Politics is just show business for ugly people.

Gary Condit is on the Congressional committee for Homeland Security. They make the guy responsible for Homeland Security who is the guy no one would feel secure going home with.

The Environmental Protection Agency is conducting a seven-hundred-thousand-dollar study to see if Alaskan trees are polluting Oregon forests. You can tell Republicans are in power. Pollution? It's those damn trees.

Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street

I guess you heard, Hillary Clinton has a new campaign slogan: "I've fallen and I can't get up!"

In Huntington Beach, California, three police instructors lost their jobs after ordering two cadets who were caught smoking to eat cigarette sandwiches as punishment. And of course the tobacco companies are thinking, 'Cigarette sandwiches - what a great idea.'

Forty million Americans smoked marijuana; the only ones who didn’t like it were Judge Ginsberg, Clarence Thomas and Bill Clinton.