You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.

I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for "Running off to Canada."

Remember when Obama was campaigning? Didn't he say he was going to close Guantanamo Bay? Didn't he say that? Apparently, he just meant for renovations.

President James Garfield could write in Latin with one hand while writing in Greek with the other. I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.

If any job should give you a company car, it's the car bomb business.

Never perform for your family. They either laugh too hard or not at all.