Barack Obama now says he is open to offshore oil drilling. So, apparently, when he promised change, he was talking about his mind.

Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge raised security alert to a code red. Apparently Howard Dean has escaped. Did you see Dean's crazed speech the other night, yelling? I see why his wife won't campaign with him. In fact, Dean has a new slogan: 'Aaghhhh.'

Go through your phone book, call people and ask them to drive you to the airport. The ones who will drive you are your true friends. The rest aren't bad people; they're just acquaintances.

President Obama wants to raise taxes on the country's richest people. And you thought Donald Trump hated him before.

The United States have developed a new weapon that destroys people but it leaves buildings standing. It's called the stock market.

And Ralph Nader, God bless him, still out there campaigning. Ralph Nader said today he has set a record for the most campaign speeches given in one day. He gave 21 speeches in one day. Of course, we have to take his word for it, because of course, there are no witnesses.

President Obama signed a bill preventing members of Congress from profiting from insider trading. Didn't you think that was already illegal?