Thanksgiving, when the Indians said, "Well, this has been fun, but we know you have a long voyage back to England".

For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.

That must be strange, cheating on your wife with a flight attendant. They're in bed and she's says, 'In the event that wife should come home early please notice the location of the nearest emergency exit.'

I've lost some weight. I am on that new Obama diet. Every day I let Vladimir Putin eat my lunch.

This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have three words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there, she'll get his money, he'll be dead in a week.

I'm sure you know by now, Jesse Jackson was overheard saying, and I'll put this more delicately, that he wanted to cut Barack Obama's testicles off. And Jesse has been on several news programs the last couple of days, explaining what he meant by those comments. Do you need to explain that?

The Senate is now considering increasing government subsidies for corn growers to produce more ethanol. If we produce enough ethanol we can postpone our next invasion of a Middle Eastern country for two to three years.