Here at work, obviously, I make the most money of anyone on the show, so I try to be the first one here and the last one to leave. I have the crummiest office. I try to balance things out, spread it around.

Postal inspectors have been given advanced warning that Publishers Clearinghouse is sending packets of laundry detergent that could be mistaken for anthrax. Oh, good timing. What genius came up with this promotion? What's next - a ticking alarm clock? Let's put that in a box.

Rick Perry unveiled his new tax plan. He says he wants a flat tax. He believes that tax should be flat, just like the earth.

Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge raised security alert to a code red. Apparently Howard Dean has escaped. Did you see Dean's crazed speech the other night, yelling? I see why his wife won't campaign with him. In fact, Dean has a new slogan: 'Aaghhhh.'

The United States is sending its most powerful drone to Libya. That’s a long trip for Joe Biden.

Really? Anyone intimidated by Barack Obama? He can't even keep Joe Biden in line.

Arnold said this is a last minute attack by Democrats. How did Arnold know to grope only Democrats?