Show business is like Champagne. You'll appreciate it more if you don't drink it everyday

Changing the story until you believe it.

Border agents have now been issued air guns that shoot pepper balls at people coming across the Mexican border. Have they thought this through? Is that going to bother people from Mexico? Pepper balls? Don't these people eat jalapenos? Isn't that like firing meatballs at an Italian guy?

A German psychologist says that women talk more than men because they have a bigger vocabulary. But, it evens out because men only listen half the time.

President Obama has begun a three-state bus tour. I believe the three states are: Confusion, Delusion, and Desperation.

As you know, John McCain is an older, white-haired man who has been in the Senate for over twenty years, voted for the Iraq War, and said Barack Obama did not have the experience to be president. I'm sorry, that's our intro for next week when Joe Biden is on, I got confused.

It's not called cocaine any more. It's now referred to as Crack Classic.