The White House has finally found one guy that kinda remembers serving with President Bush in the National Guard. Now they just need to find someone who remembers Bush working on an economic plan. ... I think the White House spent more money looking for this guy than finding weapons of mass destruction.

I feel bad for people who die on Valentine's Day. How much would flowers cost then, ten grand?

Border agents have now been issued air guns that shoot pepper balls at people coming across the Mexican border. Have they thought this through? Is that going to bother people from Mexico? Pepper balls? Don't these people eat jalapenos? Isn't that like firing meatballs at an Italian guy?

A new medical study reports that men who eat ten pizzas a week are less likely to develop prostate problems at age 50. That's because they are usually dead by age 40.

It's not called cocaine any more. It's now referred to as Crack Classic.

They had so much rain in New York that a lot of the cabbies had their first shower in years.

Changing the story until you believe it.