Paris Hilton got 45 days in jail. A lot of people were upset about this - they were hoping for the death penalty.

Yesterday Gary Condit spent the whole day attending an agricultural meeting. Boy, that's when you know a congressman's in real trouble: when he spends the whole day actually working.

Anybody who gives their car to a valet isn't a car guy

On Capitol Hill, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales raised his right hand, swore to tell the truth, and then everybody had a good laugh and went back to what they were doing.

The games haven't even started yet and already there are people complaining about the horrible accommodations at the Sochi Olympic village. Toilets don't flush. The faucets spew discolored water. They say it's like being on a Royal Caribbean cruise.

President Obama signed a bill preventing members of Congress from profiting from insider trading. Didn't you think that was already illegal?

Before we give the government any more money, show us some receipts.