Go through your phone book, call people and ask them to drive you to the airport. The ones who will drive you are your true friends. The rest aren't bad people; they're just acquaintances.

The FCC is considering lifting the ban on cellphone calls on planes. The good news is you'll be able to make calls during your flight. The bad news? The person sitting next to you will be able to make cellphone calls during yourflight.

This is my favorite story of the week. The Republican National Committee is in trouble after spending nearly $2,000 at a bondage club in Hollywood. You know what I call a Republican who spends a lot of money in a strip club? A Democrat.

You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.

The White House approved an exemption in Obamacare coverage for Congress and members of their staff. Members complained that the Affordable Care Act will cost them thousands extra a year in premiums. Wait a minute. It's their bill. If it's too expensive, why did they name it the Affordable Care Act?

We're fighting three wars now. Imagine how many we'd be fighting if President Obama hadn't won the Nobel Peace Prize.

If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.