When you're on the road, it gets a bit crazy. I've been on the road for about two weeks, and squeezed about 11 shows into 14 days. It's funny, traveling cross country isn't what kills ya - it's driving the two hours to the one-nighters and back. That's what gets exhausting, it gets to the point where seeing your kids is the relief.

Women have it good when it comes to masturbation. Guys, we just have our hands. For the rest of our lives, that's it. Sometimes your friend will go, 'Ever try your left hand? It's like a whole different person.' Yeah, a retarded person.

When I watch like The Office I'm fascinated because most of America works in an environment where they see the same eight people every day.

I've always been very open about it. I've been very open about my addiction, about my panic disorder. But I think that transparency is what can separate you from others because I think that is where comedy is going.

What bothers me most about today is that we're getting used 2 it. ENOUGH. 2nd amendment must go. Violence has 2 stop. Culture MUST change.

Why are baseball managers the only coaches who dress up like the players?

I realized early I can manipulate the ceiling in the middle class. The allure becomes how far I can make the ceiling rise.