Life is tough, and if we don't laugh, we're going to - our head will explode.

Instead of running for President, why don’t you try walking on a treadmill?

My parents passed away when I was a teenager, so I had to learn different survival techniques, I think, in comedy. You know, using comedy as a pressure release, as a release valve in life really kept my sanity.

My best friend is disabled. There's nothing he hates more than being left out of the jokes, to be treated with kid gloves. That's the insult.

Sometimes during my set I invite volunteers up on stage to get speed-roasted and I'm worried that I may have hundreds of people rushing the stage all at once. Luckily I'm a black belt in karate and I can fend them off.

Comics just don't retire. They either die young or they go to 100.

My own personal rule is to tell jokes that I think the person I'm making them about can laugh at, to go home and tell their family, oh, my gosh.