Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere.

Last time I was in Canada Celine Dion had just given birth to identical twins. Which is quite an achievement given her age and face.

Life is short. You have to be able to laugh at our pain or we never move on.

As soon as you start analyzing comedy is when the world starts to fall apart, and we're second guessing it. And we are way too sensitive.

How is it possible that Courtney Love looks worse than Kurt Cobain?

Instead of running for President, why don’t you try walking on a treadmill?

People are not afraid to be very direct with police. And I think that's part of the problem is that people are angry at the cops and then the cops are stressed out and they, you know, pay it backwards, so to speak.