Women should have labels on their foreheads saying, 'Government Health Warning: women can seriously damage your brains, genitals, current account, confidence, razor blades, and good standing among your friends'.

But you've got to have money for comfort, which obviously doesn't matter as much when you're young, but even so. I always like to bloody eat well and be warm. Have a drink when I want it.

One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.

In most betting shops you will see three windows marked 'Bet Here', but only one window with the legend 'Pay Out'.

There's nothing undignified about lying about all day and being waited on by servants, sipping bloody champagne.

Oh, the self-importance of fading stars. Never mind, they will be black holes one day.

The only reason I would have liked to have gone to university is because I like cricket. Not a very good reason to want to go, but as good as any, I suppose.