[Congress] can just make [Mitt] Romney president. And we'd be like, "All right, fine."

I really will never understand pushing back on comedians who are like, "I'm like a politician campaigning and shaking hands with these people. They're going to be okay."

I don't like news channels so I have six websites that I check and I get the daily update.

If I could make crazy money just doing stand-up, that's what I would do.

I'm the queen of outside speakers.

They asked us to draw pictures of what we thought men and women look like naked and so I was like, "Get away, I'm doing my weird homework, drawing a naked man and woman." And I can't even draw. That's all I remember. I have no memory.

I'm really ambitious about is being a really good comic and doing it for the rest of my life and getting really big. Not really famous because I want fame or attention, just a little freedom. So, that's where I'm ambitious.