Jen Kirkman Quotes

I don't do jokes about elections so that's probably why it went okay for me, except for the crazy people that are hate-crime people.

I realized I need a certain kind of chemistry and a certain kind of look to be into someone, and like 1 percent of the population has it.

Admittedly, the masturbation story is just a "Hey, this is one of my best-of's, I'll throw it in the special." But the grandmother stuff, really, I feel like is part of the theme and part of the best way to end the story that I'm telling with the special.

In terms of what happened to Amy [Schumer], if that happened to me I would be like, "Yes, please leave." But I toured a lot. I started as an opening feature act touring a lot during the [George W.] Bush years, like around 2007. I was touring during the [Barack] Obama election - the first one with [Sarah] Palin and [John] McCain - and I talked to crowds about that and they were always split down the middle.

Not that that's my goal, but when you're very wealthy and very famous, you can have a lot more decisions in what you do. You have a lot more opportunity. You can maybe even not work for a few years. It puts you in a great position to make some decisions. You're not always taking every job that comes and that kind of thing.

I know everyone says they go to yoga, but I actually really go. I notice that helps me so much.

[Twitter] certainly doesn't hurt me. I'm not in any pain over any of the things I see. I'm just more disappointed.

Everyone traveling alone is just on their phones the whole time.

For me, making any kind of resolution or saying, "I'm doing this!" can only cause pain, to get very deep.

Not everyone is there to get an abortion. Your body is like a car that has needs and women's bodies constantly need a level of care that men don't.

I'm the queen of outside speakers.

[Congress] can just make [Mitt] Romney president. And we'd be like, "All right, fine."

I have no choice sometimes, but there's something about being alone. When I'm alone I might not speak for 24 hours, but you're totally seeing things. It's a pretty cool experience.

I think March and fall are natural seasons for me to feel invigorated.

A lot of times that I'm single is not for a lack of anyone being interested; it's me.

My mother was like, "What did they teach you?", and I had never talked about that [sex-ed] so I freaked out.

I stay on [Twitter] as Jen Kirkman, a person. It's just a way for me to connect with what I know and read everything and catch all areas.

My joke is a picture of David Bowie on his balcony in the '70s in a suit in Paris, and unless that's you, I'm not interested. There are very few aesthetic types that I have, and people who look like that are not always necessarily good for me.

I actually really do meditation and then I spend my morning reading.

I'll take anyone I can get that will pay money to see me. And if there's more of me in the world, people who think they're good people and comedians who have a good message or whatever, then that's great. If there's some kind of balance there that's good.

It [sex-ed] was such a slow rollout for me. I just didn't know what the hell was happening.

We've seen a kind of Donald Trump supporter on steroids, like the hate-crime people. Those people, I don't want to see, like anyone violent or carrying a gun or anything like that. But I won't know if they disagree with me unless they decide to heckle.

I'm really big on hormones.

I don't have anything to do all year. I'm not on tour until September.

I don't have any jokes about my divorce or my ex-husband, who is a lovely person. It really is about how I was an idiot trying to push this guy to get married when I wasn't even sure if I wanted to.

I want to be one of those cool people that's like, "What is Twitter?" and just be totally blind to it.

There's something grand and revolutionary still about [women] traveling alone. There are some parts of the world where you can't.

Have you ever seen the stereotype of the angry yoga teacher? There are some people that are at an 11 and yoga takes them down to a nine. That's me.

[The first] week [of the year] is great because my special is coming out but it's also my least favorite week because everyone else is on hyperdrive. They're like, "Let's do it! We're doing our goals!" Everyone is bothering me and there's so much hyper-intensity going on and I'm like, "It's winter, you guys. It's hibernating time."

I have no interest in saying "This is who I am! This is what I'm like!"

I'm not like Woody Allen like, "Oh my god what's going to happen? Ooh Ooh Oohhh." I'm just high-strung. So I do need to do a lot of stuff.

I don't even think people really understand how you can get pregnant or when you get pregnant. I still have questions about that.

I made a career goals list for 2017 and it's so funny. I have low self-esteem or something, so I put both wishes and goals. The goals were things I'm going to do anyway, because I have no choice because my job is to do stand-up comedy so I have to tour and I have to write stuff. The wishes were all things that could be goals. As in, I bet people who have achieved these things called them goals at one point. But I haven't looked at that piece of paper since.

I don't think people are really breaking ground and getting new fans or anything. So, I just use it more in my personal life but obviously I'm in a business where people think that Twitter matters so I'll be like, "Yes, I will tweet out this show." But it is something that me, the human, uses.

If, for some reason, everyone knew who I was without me having to have my own TV show, that's what I would do. That way, I could do less shows a year.

I don't know. Maybe [sex-ed] is my new calling?

I wonder if that's the difference between fathers and mothers. I'm friends with people who have kids that are like 5 and under, and they're still in that intense mother-bonding phase. It might just be that. Because the dads haven't changed.

I used to make albums because I wasn't touring, and so I thought, "This is the best way for people to find out about me.

[Twitter] is not totally where I go anymore to sell myself as a concept, as a comedian, because it moves too fast.

You never know anymore if you'll see something you don't want to see, if you're jealous of something, if you're going through a breakup and you see something, so I just don't even look at those things any more [ in Instagram].

I'm really ambitious about is being a really good comic and doing it for the rest of my life and getting really big. Not really famous because I want fame or attention, just a little freedom. So, that's where I'm ambitious.

My rule is if one person says it, a thousand people want to say it. That goes for compliments too. I try to balance it out in my head.

That's the same thing that is making me like George W. Bush. "He was nice. I know he was nice. He didn't know what he was doing but he was nice."

I think Twitter is kind of boring, to be honest. To me, it's not even real life.

It's much easier to make jokes about not having kids.

My birthday is in August - right before September, so I have that "back to school" feeling ingrained in me so that time of year is when I usually do personal goals or resolutions.

I just remember a creepy sex-ed teacher putting a banana on a condom and then saying, "It goes in the girl if she gets all juicy." We didn't even believe it. We were like, "Well, that's weird."

I don't like to joke about dating.