The future is now! Soon every American home will integrate their television, phone and computer. You'll be able to visit the Louvre on one channel, or watch female wrestling on another. You can do your shopping at home, or play Mortal Kombat with a friend from Vietnam. There's no end to the possibilities!

Life doesn't happen to you, it happens for you.

There was a time when people said, 'Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.' Now they just say, 'Pay him!'

What I do as an art form is try to make people feel good and if I do try to make them feel bad, it's for a reason. There's something I am trying to say.

I don't hate you for loving you. I just hate my heart for choosing someone like you.

Everything can be made fun of. The most serious things are ripe for making fun of them.

It's nice to finally get scripts offered to me that aren't the ones Tom Hanks wipes his butt with.